Menace in the Grass
It started much like meetings with many of the women in this series. My guide asked if we could come into her yard for a visit. She said sure - she was busy - but she smiled and said she'd be happy to talk.
Her house was along a pretty green canal, fed by the Mekong River, in Viet Nam's Mekong Delta. She appeared to be about 55, down on her haunches, picking through the grass on her lawn. This grass was essential to her living. Basically, she grows an ornamental lawn every few weeks. She spends each day meticulously weeding this lawn. When it's ready, a company comes to skim off the grass, cut it into lengths, and roll it into pieces. Each roll sells for 10,000 Vietnamese Dong, or about USD 50 cents.
Rolls of ornamental grass sell for about USD 50 cents each.
The woman says she's been doing this work for about five years. "Ever since my husband got sick," she says. "He's got a serious illness in his lungs. I have to look after him all the time." She says she's lucky they have health insurance, or they could not afford the medication he needs. "I have health problems too," she says. "My head hurts a lot. I have pains in my joints. Maybe arthritis." She lives at the house with her husband, their grown son, his wife and their young child.
As we talk, a neighbour dressed in bright yellow appears in the window next door. She's friendly too and asks where I'm from. "Canada," I tell her. "Oh, Canada!" she smiles. "I want to move there and find a nice Canadian husband!" We have a laugh about that.
Soon the woman's daughter-in-law joins us outside. Then another neighbour - all curious about the foreigner in the yard. "Are you married?" they're keen to know. Viet Nam is the only country in the Mekong region where I've been asked this repeatedly, as a main and sometimes the only question. We talk more about relationships and marriage customs in different places. We're having a good time.
Then, the conversation takes a dark turn. The first woman volunteers that her husband beats her. She makes the motion of drinking from a bottle, then getting dizzy, then lashing out with her fists towards her own face. It's an unexpected conversation. Oh yes, she says, "she too," and she points at her daughter-in-law, motioning to look at her eyes. It's clear - her eyes are bruised and swollen - like she was injured just a few days before. The smiling woman who wants to marry a Canadian says that yes, her husband beats her too. That's why she wants to go to Canada, she says, because she heard that when a man beats you there, you can call the police.
According to UN Women, about 35% of married women in Vietnam have been sexually or physically abused by their intimate partner. That increases to almost 60% if you include emotional abuse. Attitudes - even amongst some women - are challenging. A recent survey showed that 28% of women aged 15-49 thought their husbands could justify hitting them if they didn't perform their "traditional" duties well- like cooking food without burning it, or looking after the children; or if they went out without telling him, or denied sex. The violence costs the women enormous physical and emotional pain, money lost to hospital bills and missed wages. And it costs the country too - a 2013 study shows that domestic violence results in a 1.78% loss in Vietnam's GDP.*
“We continued to talk about violence, and as though on cue, the husbands walked into the yard. They presumably could hear what we were talking about.”
The men were nice and hospitable enough. One tried hard to find a coconut to offer me. The women continued to chat, but the mood had changed. Everything felt more forced, tentative.
One of the men sat with his wife - the only woman who didn't say she was abused - and they talked proudly about their daughter. "She's studying pharmacy," they beamed. And, she'd received a significant scholarship to continue her studies - a future life-changer for the family. Two girls, just home from school, played happily in the yard too. They both said they loved school. One said she loved math, especially. Given the history of war that interrupted the education of so many people, Viet Nam is doing a good job educating girls. In a 2014 survey, 93% of girls are reported to have finished primary school and 92% were attending upper secondary school. This bodes well in many ways including for domestic violence, as women with low education are more at-risk.
It's time to go. The women and children accompany us out of the yard. As we're leaving, I catch a glimpse of the first woman's husband - the man who was very sick. He's lying on a hammock. He looks terrible - skin and bones, pasty grey and he coughs a lot (tuberculosis? lung cancer?). It's conflicting. I'm instantly angry with him for beating his wife. And, feel sad that his life is ending in this painful way. And angry, too, that she has to care for him night and day when he's been cruel to her.
The women cheerfully wave us off, the smiling woman in yellow reminding me that I need to find her a nice husband in Canada.
One note about this post: usually, I name all the women I'm talking with and write about where they live. Of course, I publish photos too. This time, given the nature of the subject, I'm not publishing the names of the women or telling much about where they live or showing their faces.
With thanks to my guide - a lovely young man who listened and translated this unexpected exchange. You know who you are.
*For more on the status of women in Viet Nam, see the report "Women & Sustainable Development Goals: Viet Nam towards 2030." The 2014 Multiple Indicator Cluster Survey contains the data about women's view on domestic violence (pg. 13) and on education levels (pg. 11) and Estimating the Costs of Domestic Violence Against Women in Viet Nam is here.
